Hurtful pasts or hurtful memories are the thoughts that remind us of the memories culminating from the ugly pasts. These feelings usually come with sadness, disappointments and grief. A serious accident, catastrophic disaster, or attack might have caused this.
Psychiatrists' studies have come to agree that nursing hurtful relationship past for a long time can incur bitterness and remorsefulness. Hurtful relationships past tend to emanate from disappointments, annoyances, betrayals and insensitivity, and these can be ruinous in one way or the other. The hatred emanating from hurtful relationship past can be perceived or real.
Arguably, a hurtful relationship past can be sparked by divorce cases or ending a relationship unsatisfactorily. Unfortunately, there are high risks that these old wounds might incur on emotional and physical well-being as well of the person holding on grudges.
As a result, there is a cost of these feelings if accumulated for long, including, for instance, robbing the person's sleep during the night and creating unease moods during the day, as per mental experts.
Numerous studies have indicated that holding onto an unforgiving stance toward the hurtful relationship past can incur a physical and mental toll making the person develop resentment and unhappiness if it is kept for a long time.
According to the John Hopkins report, the act of forgiveness as a way of getting rid of the hurtful past is associated with multiple health benefits, including reducing the risks of heart attacks, lowering cholesterol levels, improving sleep as well as lowering blood pressure, and decreasing levels of anxiety among other health benefits.
Psychiatrist Karen Swartz, MD, also believes that forgiveness is the best way to let go of the hurt and idealizes it as the best remedy for reconciliation.
"Sometimes, trust is broken in such a way that it's not in your best interests," she notes.
According to 2021 research, letting go of painful and traumatic events can protect a person with a hurtful past by hiding them from their unconscious mind.
Sherif Stritoff, the marriage consultant and the co-author of The Everything Great Marriage book, noted in her article that situations involving an extended period of abuse and betrayal that's no longer occurring, forgiveness may take longer.
She argues that involving a third party as a mediator can be a lasting solution to past relationships.
"You both must be open to discussing the problem and continuing to process it. This might include seeking guidance from a licensed professional counsellor or another mental health professional," she advises.
As per research, people are more likely to remember hurtful relationships past than they could enjoyable moments that happened a long time ago. Additionally, scientific proof has indicated that emotionally affected persons are likely to find difficulties in controlling their nervous systems.
Under these circumstances, emotionally affected persons can face hurdles and the brain's inability to differentiate between a past threat and a current situation, meaning that the memory flash of the past can be more rampant. This will harbour the tendencies of negative experiences and keep us in emotional distress, especially when the shock is a hard hit.
One study also found that there is a certain level of discomfort that a person cannot tolerate before reaching a stage of change, also implying that there is uncomfortably towards changing process.
Furthermore, research indicates, a less than a quarter of people can be able to let go of their anger and start a new chapter of their lives, and only a figure of 42% can respond constructively to harsh decisions such as those related to the workplace and break-ups in relationships.
How to let go of the hurtful past in a relationship
More or less, it is evident that holding on to past relationships may be ruinous instead of being constructive in terms of the relationship. Arguably, it has a meaning behind it.
Failure to let go of the hurtful relationships in the past cannot help in finding problem resolution.
These steps may give you the way forward on how to let go of the hurtful past.
Forgiveness
You may hear them discussing their exes in their conversation, and it may seem as if the intrusion of the hurtful past relationship is coming from nonsensical thinking or irrelevant thinking. Sometimes it is not that way. They might have kept the bitterness into themselves for so long, and this speaks of their unforgiveness in themselves. Whatever it might have hurt in the past, relationships will leak. However, letting go of the past is one way of getting healed.
Living the current life
Neurologists have found out that 20 per cent suffer from complicated grief in which people experience persistent longing for someone they have lost with romanticized memories of the relationship past. Scientists go forward to say that longing can have an addictive aspect of it.
As a natural aspect to many people, we tend to idolize the past relationship as if it was all sunshine and heaven. It might be tempting that after breaking up, your ex might be perceived as perfect. In reality, you both had strengths and weaknesses.
Don't reconnect with your ex
This might be tempting also, but it might be a mistake to reconnect to the person you broke up with, and you agree to continue exchanging intimacy after they rejected you as a partner. This might be unfair because these will keep you stuck in the dead-end, and of course, you will keep having an idea that the other person will want you back into their life. The person rekindling the intimacy might be targeting to use as a transition to look for someone who suits them.
Practising compassion
One way to forget the hurtful relationship is to practice changing the self-talk about the past and replacing critical thoughts with more forgiving alternatives. Keeping self-compassion can help you practice the skill.